The Don, whose real name you do not want to know, ever, has vast experience solving problems. Our organization, Don’t Try to Find Us Press, never advocates violence. We take no responsibility for violent acts committed by those misinterpreting the Don’s recommendations.
Now for our latest questions.
I am totally pissed. I followed your advice to the letter about dealing with the young pool guy and my wife, and now I have lost my wife, my house, and my freedom. The only way I can press for more information is by bribing some screw to get my message out.
Prisoner number 5278
You did not follow my advice correctly. I follow the news to stay informed. You were sloppy. Also, you misrepresented your actual age to me. No one under the age of 80 would refer to prison guards as screws. So, shut up and do your time.
Rumors are circulating that my wife’s niece is seeking the CEO position in my organization. I brought her in as my assistant to give her work and kept her under my wing and close. I did not fear succession issues because she is only a woman. Now it appears she has more ambition than is natural and wants to take over. I am not ready to retire.
Not a Has Been
Dear Has Been.
I suggest you step aside and let Alicia take the helm. The glass ceiling can no longer stop women from rising in any profession. Enjoy your seven grandchildren in peace. Your time is over.
I just want to say I have followed your great advice to the letter about whacking (oops- I meant dressing) for success, and I have crashed completely through the glass ceiling. I am now poised to realize all my dreams, thanks to you.
I will forever be in your debt as I seize the reigns of my new business.
With All Respect,
I appreciate your gratitude. It's good to know my advice is valued. It's even better that your checks stay on time. For, as you admit, you owe me.
My husband, Crunchy Peanut, is the love of my life. In the last few months, I discovered he has found someone else. I am enraged. She is a younger woman. She has a high position at a Fine Gentleman’s Art and Literature Club. To be honest, I didn’t know Crunchy read books. His friends cannot cease praising her skills in her prominent position.
What can I do?
Dear Sad Wife,
Does your husband’s love work at the Fine Gentleman’s Club in Santa Monica? Please let me know, privately.
My friends tell me I have anger management issues. Perhaps they are right. The other day four college football players cut before me in line at the movies. When I pointed out that they had broken into line, they laughed. On top of that, they said an old man like me should be glad I could still stand up. I am not young, but I attend a gym, have a personal trainer, and have the endurance of a forty-year-old now that I have cut my carbs.
Their rudeness disturbed me. Believing further discussion useless, I arranged that two of them will have trouble standing for several months.
The other two ran, and as I had already done my cardio for the day, I let them go.
This is not the first time this has happened.
Do I need counseling?
Strong and Mad as Hell
Dear Strong and Mad as hell.
In a few weeks, an envelope with a phone number will be slid under your door. Call the number. What you need is a beneficial release to your anger. You will find my suggestion will ease your tensions and fatten your wallet.
As you suggested, I told you where my husband's paramour worked. For some reason, shortly after that, she broke up with him, claiming she had found another lover. I thought I would be happy, but now it's even worse. The man moons about the house like a lovesick teenager and nothing I can do, or say, or wear can distract him. He is adamant that he will return to that gentleman’s club and win her back, no matter how much money it takes.
Dear Broken-Hearted Wife.
Your husband requires grief counseling. When he leaves the house to attend the club, with his wallet full, call the number that will be slid under your door tomorrow. We will arrange separation counseling for him. I guarantee you his attitude will be changed. Be sure he has his wallet.
I cannot thank you enough. Just a simple phone call and everything changed. I now have more cash than I ever had, my anger management issues have been completely resolved. You are a wise man.
Still Strong, but No Longer Mad as Hell.
How wonderful you are. My cheating husband is home to stay. He will no longer attend disreputable establishments like the Horny Gentleman's Club (I have discovered the real name). He professes nothing but true love as he recovers from the injuries from his accident, and I know, even when he heals, he will be true to me.
No Longer a Sad Wife.
The Don will be back with more answers next week.
In the meantime. Stay safe and out of jail, and do not discuss any of the Don's advice on the telephone.
Author Bio: Ed Kratz is a retired computer specialist. He has been taking courses at WV for many years. He has been published in Every Day Fiction, Daily Science Fiction, and OG’s Speculative Fiction. In 2016 he won first prize in the fiction character at the Philadelphia Writer’s Conference.